


Fantastic Jews and Where to Find Them

by LoonWhisperer



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Bowtruckles - Freeform, Canon Jewish Character, Dinner, Gen, Hanukkah, Holidays, Immigrant Culture, Jewish, Jewish Character, Jewish Holidays, Judaism, Latkes, Menorah, Nifflers, Panchkes, Tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 05:43:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12742152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoonWhisperer/pseuds/LoonWhisperer
Summary: Scenes 40, 41, 44, 45, 52, and 53 from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by J.K. Rowling, but... with a few changes.





	Fantastic Jews and Where to Find Them

**SCENE 40 **

**INT. GOLDSTEIN RESIDENCE, STAIRWELL--DUSK**

_Newt, Tina, and Jacob tiptoe up the stairs. They have just reached the first landing when Mrs. Esposito, the landlady, calls out. The group freezes._

MRS. ESPOSITO (O.S.): That you, Tina?

TINA: Yes, Mrs. Esposito!

MRS. ESPOSITO (O.S.): Are you alone?

TINA: I'm always alone, Mrs. Esposito!

_A beat._

 

**SCENE 41 **

**INT. GOLDSTEIN RESIDENCE, SITTING ROOM--DUSK**

_The group enters the Goldstein apartment._

_Although impoverished, the apartment is enlivened by workaday magic. An iron is working away on its own in a corner, and a clotheshorse revolves clumsily on its wooden legs in front of the fire, drying an assortment of underwear. Magazines are scattered around:_ The Witch's Friend, Der Kishifer Heim, _and_ Transfiguration Today. _In one of the windowsills sits a candelabra with eight unlit candles._

_Blond Queenie, the most beautiful girl ever to don witches' robes, is standing in a silk slip, supervising the mending of a dress on a dressmaker's dummy. Jacob is thunderstruck._

_Newt barely notices. Impatient to leave as soon as possible, he starts peeking out the windows, careful not to jostle the candelabra._

QUEENIE: Tineleh -- you brought men home?

TINA: Gentlemen, this is my sister. You want to put something on, Queenie?

QUEENIE _(unconcerned)_ : Oh, sure--

_She runs her wand up the dummy and the dress runs magically up her body. Jacob watches the display, dumbfounded._

_Tina, frustrated, starts tidying the apartment.  Newt, still by the windowsill, is inspecting the candelabra._

QUEENIE: Nu, who are they?

TINA: That's Mr. Scamander. He's committed a serious infraction of the National Statute of Secrecy --

QUEENIE  _(impressed)_ : He's a criminal?

TINA: -- uh-huh, and this is Mr. Kowalski, he's a No-Maj --

QUEENIE _(suddenly worried)_ : A No-Maj? Teen -- what are you up to?

TINA: He's sick -- it's a long story -- Mr. Scamander has lost something, I'm going to help him find it.

_Jacob suddenly staggers, very sweaty and unwell. Queenie runs to him as Tina hovers, also worried._

QUEENIE _(as Jacob falls back onto a sofa)_ : Oy, he's all fetummelt!  You need to sit down, shayfaleh. Oy -- _(reading his mind)_ \--he hasn't eaten all day. And -- _(reading his mind)_ \-- oy, that's rough. _(reading his mind)_ \-- he didn't get the money he wanted for his bakery. You bake, bubbaleh? I love to cook.

_Newt is watching Queenie from his spot by the window, his scientific attention now aroused._

NEWT: You're a Legilimens?

QUEENIE: Uh-huh, yeah. But I always have trouble with your kind. Brits. It's the accent.

JACOB _(cottoning on, appalled)_ : You know how to read minds?

QUEENIE: Aw, don't worry, ketseleh. Most guys think what you was thinking, first time they see me.

_Queenie playfully gestures toward Jacob with her wand._

QUEENIE: Shoyn. You need food.

_Newt looks out the window and sees a Billywig fly past -- he's nervous, impatient to get out and find his creatures._

_Tina and Queenie busy themselves in the kitchen.  Ingredients come floating out of cupboards as Queenie enchants them into the components of a meal -- potatoes and onions grate themselves, pastry rolls itself, and pans stir._

QUEENIE _(to Tina)_ :  Hot dog... again?

TINA:  Don't read my mind!

QUEENIE _(shaking her head)_ :  Such chazerai.

_Tina points her wand at the cupboards.  Dishes, assorted cutlery, and glasses come flying out, setting themselves on the table with a little prodding from Tina's wand.  Jacob, half-fascinated, half-terrified, staggers toward the table._

_ANGLE ON NEWT, his hand on the doorknob._

QUEENIE  _(artless)_ :  Hey, Mr. Scamander, you like plum or strawberry in your jelly doughnuts?

_All look at Newt, who, embarrassed, removes his hand from the doorknob._

NEWT:  I really don't have a preference.

_Tina stares at Newt: confrontational, but also disappointed and hurt._

_Jacob is already seated at the table, tucking his napkin into his shirt._

QUEENIE  _(reading Jacob's mind)_ :  You prefer strawberry, huh, bubbaleh?  Strawberry it is.

_Jacob nods with excited enthusiasm.  Queenie grins back, delighted._

_With a flick of her wand, Queenie sends strawberry jam and circles of pastry flying into the air.  The circles neatly enclose themselves around dots of jam, frying on the spot, complete with a dusting of sugar.  The doughnuts slowly float down onto a platter.  Jacob takes a deep breath in: heaven._

_Tina places a jar of applesauce on the table -- the meal is ready._

_FOCUS ON NEWT'S POCKET -- a small squeak, and Pickett pokes his head out, curious._

TINA:  Well, sit down, Mr. Scamander, we're not going to poison you.

_Newt, still hovering near the door, looks somewhat charmed by the situation.  Jacob glares at him subtly, willing him to sit down._

 

 

** SCENE 44 **

**INT. GOLDSTEIN RESIDENCE, SITTING ROOM--HALF HOUR LATER--NIGHT**

_The catch on Newt's case pops open.  Newt reaches down and pushes it shut._

_Jacob looks a little better for having eaten.  He and Queenie are getting on famously._

QUEENIE:  The job ain't that glamorous.  I mean, I spend most days making coffee, unjinxing the john... Tina's the career girl.  

 _(she reads his mind)_ Nah.  We're orphans.  Mama and Tahtee died of dragon pox when we were kids.  Aw...  _(reading his mind)_ You're sweet.  But we got each other!

JACOB:  Could you stop reading my mind for a second?  Don't get me wrong -- I love it.

_Queenie giggles, delighted, captivated by Jacob._

JACOB:  This meal -- it's insanely good!  This is what I do -- I'm a cook and this is, like, the greatest meal I have ever had in my life.

QUEENIE  _(laughing)_ :  Oh, you slay me!  I ain't never really talked to a No-Maj before.

JACOB:  Really?

_Queenie and Jacob gaze into each other's eyes.  newt and Tina sit opposite each other uncomfortable silent in the presence of such affectionate behavior._

QUEENIE  _(to Tina)_ I am not flirting!

TINA  _(embarassed)_ :  I'm just saying -- don't go getting attached, he's going to have to be Obliviated!   _(to Jacob)_ It's nothing personal.

_Jacob is suddently very pale and sweaty again, although still trying to look good for Queenie._

QUEENIE  _(to Jacob)_ : Oy, you okay, shayfaleh?

_Newt briskly gets up from the table and awkwardly stands behind his chair._

NEWT:  Miss Goldstein, I think Mr. Kowalski could do with an early night.  And besides, you and I will need to be up early tomorrow morning to find the Niffler, so --

QUEENIE  _(to Tina)_ :  What's a Niffler?

_Tina looks put out._

TINA:  Freg nisht.

 _(moving toward a back room)_ Okay, you guys can bunk in here.

 

**SCENE 45**

**INT. GOLDSTEIN RESIDENCE, BEDROOM--NIGHT**

_The boys are tucked up in neatly made twin beds.  Newt is resolutely turned away on his side, while Jacob is sitting up, trying to make sense of a wizarding book._

_Tina, wearing patterned blue pajamas, tentatively knocks on the door, and enters carrying a tray of tea.  The cups are stirring themselves -- Jacob is captivated again._

TINA:  I thought you might like a hot drink?

_Tina carefully hands Jacob his teacup and saucer.  Newt remains turned away, feigning sleep, so Tina, with some frustration, pointedly places his cup on the bedside table._

JACOB:  Hey, Mr. Scamander --  _(to Newt, trying to make him friendlier)_ Look, tea!

_Newt does not move._

TINA  _(irritated)_ :  The toilet's down the hall to the right.

JACOB: Thanks...

_As Tina shuts the door, Jacob gets a quick glimpse of Queenie in the other room, wearing a much less demure dressing gown._

JACOB:  Very much...

_The moment the door closes Newt jumps us, still wearing his overcoat, and places his case on the floor.  To Jacob's utter astonishment, Newt opens the case and walks down inside it, now completely out of sight._

_Jacob lets out a small scream of alarm._

_Newt's hand appears from the case, beckoning him imperiously.  Jacob stares, breathing heavily, trying to process the situation._

_Newt's hand, impatient, appears again,_

NEWT (O.S.):  Come on.

_Jacob rallies himself, gets out of bed, and steps down into Newt's case.  However, he gets stuck at his waistline and tries hard to squeeze himself through, the case bouncing up and down with this efforts._

JACOB:  For the love of...

_With a final frustrated jump, Jacob suddenly disappears through the case, which snaps shut after him._

 

**SCENE 52**

**EXT. GOLDSTEIN RESIDENCE--NIGHT**

_Tina and Queenie lean out of their bedroom window, craning into the dark.  At the window beside theirs, the candelabra has been lit, its eight flames bobbing merrily.  Another bellowing roar reverberates through the winter night.  Other windows open, neighbors stare sleepily over the city._

 

**SCENE 53**

**INT. GOLDSTEIN RESIDENCE--NIGHT**

_Tina and Queenie burst into the bedroom where Jacob and Newt are meant to be asleep.  Every trace of the two men has gone.  Furious, Tina storms off to dress.  Queenie looks upset._

QUEENIE:  But we made 'em tea...


End file.
